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Women of Impact

May 27, 2020

Self-esteem has been a buzzword for what seems like forever, but as a goal or concept it has some big drawbacks. Self-esteem tends to be comparative and fragile, and provides a shaky foundation for healthy growth. So what should we replace self-esteem with? Dr. Kristin Neff, who has researched the subject for years, advocates for a better framework: self-compassion. And on this episode of Women of Impact with Lisa Bilyeu, Kristin Neff explains what self-compassion is, discusses the difference between self-compassion and self-pity, and asks us to treat ourselves with the same mindful, motivating kindness that we so easily bestow on other people.

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What’s the difference between self-esteem and self-compassion? [2:20]

Self-compassion does lead to self-worth, but that isn’t the end goal [6:05]

Self-compassion is not self-pity, self-indulgence, selfishness or complacency [8:48]

Why suppressing your pain actually makes it more intense [13:15]

Be mindful. Remember that pain is part of life. Then, be kind. [15:36]

Lisa and Kristin discuss the balance between compassion for others and the self [19:17]

Why are we often harder on ourselves than we are on other people? [21:03]

Kristin explains why it works to use compassionate touch on yourself [23:35]

We need other people, but it’s not good to wholly rely on other people [27:13]

Kristin discusses why it can be effective to talk about yourself in the 2nd person [29:21]

Self-criticism comes from the desire to be safe. It’s misdirective care. [32:27]

To come up with healthy methods of motivation, think about how you’d motivate a child [35:44]

Sometimes kindness has to be a little bit fierce, like a Mama Bear [38:39]

Kristin describes how compassion actually feels scary to someone used to abuse [40:06]

You already know how to be compassionate. All you have to do is use it on yourself. [42:39]